I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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