She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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