thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
