loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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