i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
