we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
