My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
