your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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