It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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