Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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