ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
