Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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