i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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