how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
