This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
