At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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