ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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