well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
