you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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