just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
