I met the friendliest cop last night
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
