Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
