He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You dont lie about slip and slides
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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