That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
