the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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