Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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