Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
