Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
