The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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