I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I love having hate sex.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize