using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
