my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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