well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
