you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
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I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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