There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
