He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
