There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
