u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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