I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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