I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize