woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
