i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
