She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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