I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
How does one acquire holy water?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
