I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
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When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
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Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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