You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I have surprise drugs for everyone
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize