I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
