Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
