I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
