Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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