I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
