but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You made out with two different species that night
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
