so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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