would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
